#14: Really? #MeToo (Part 1)

Some Thoughts on How Feminism Lies to Women

When the #MeToo movement broke out, I thought it was a joke.

Everyone knows that most “sexual harassment” at work is only “harassment” when you don’t like the person doing the “harassing,” right?

I guess that all depends on what constitutes harassment?

Before you jump to conclusions (or bite my head off), let’s define our terms.

First, sexual harassment and sexual assault are two very different things and should never be conflated.

Second, sexual harassment and sexual assault are both legal terms with very specific meanings that tend to differ from their ordinary social, or “everyday,” meanings. The legal meanings vary from state to state.

Third, sexual harassment is a civil matter whereas sexual assault is a criminal matter.

Civil matters are handled between private parties and are usually resolved with financial payouts and/or agreements to start/stop certain behaviors. Sexual harassment, as a legal matter, usually occurs in the context of employment relationships.

Criminal matters, on the other hand, involve the state charging an individual with a crime. If convicted, the criminal defendant may be sentenced to jail time. They stand to lose their freedom and become registered sex offenders.

Fourth, sexual harassment usually involves the use of overt or implicit sexual overtones in verbal or body language, often accompanied by promises of rewards in exchange for a sexual favor. Sexual assault, on the other hand, involves nonconsensual physical touching and ranges from groping to rape.

Fifth, sexual harassment in the workplace occurs when the qualifying behavior is sufficiently frequent to cause a hostile work environment or if resistance of the harassment results in an adverse employment decision. What constitutes “qualifying behavior” varies widely by culture and society. Isolated incidents or offhand comments do not constitute sexual harassment.

Sixth, sexual assault is criminal wherever and whenever it happens, it isn’t a workplace issue per se.

Sixth, flirting (whether welcome or unwelcome) is not sexual harassment. The law, at least for now, does not impose a general civility code or punish people for being what some believe is inappropriate or rude. We do not stop being human when we go to work, so it’s best to learn good manners in the home!

Seventh, sexual harassment didn’t become a legal cause of action, meaning it wasn’t included in the legal definition of sex discrimination, until the 1970s and 1980s.

Radical feminist and law professor Catharine McKinnon really got the ball rolling with her 1979 book called Sexual Harassment of Working Women. She borrowed the term “sexual harassment” from a 1973 report out of MIT called “The Progress of Women in Educational Institutions: The Saturn’s Rings Phenomenon” by Mary P. Rowe discussing sexism in the workplace and how enough of it, taken together, becomes a systematic barrier to women.

Eighth, #MeToo is a social movement intended to raise awareness of (according to Wikipedia) “sexual abuse, sexual harassment, and rape culture.” Make a mental note of the breadth of this definition, especially the “rape culture” term.

Working Girl

My second job after college brought me to Washington, DC working for a recently retired law professor as his Executive Assistant. He was an Emeritus Professor of Law at the George Washington University National Law Center.

Here are a few things to note:

• Professor Chandler was brilliant and highly respected in legal academia, industry, and in the halls of Congress.

• He was black, married (but recently separated), and had seven children, including a son who was brain surgeon and daughter who was NASA scientist.

• I was the only white person in the office for most of my 7 year tenure. Worry not, this doesn’t absolve me from my “white supremacy.”

• He was 57 and I was 22 when I first got the gig in 1996.

• I had just left my first husband 90 days before I started my position, so I was in a bit of a tailspin and just happy to land a gig. He would also help me find an attorney to manage the divorce, which took until 1998 to complete.

• He was a mentor and teacher to me, but he was also a bit of a svengali, which necessarily complicated the relationship over time.

Patent Office in Guandong (formerly Canton) China

The National Intellectual Property Law Institute

Two years before I was hired, my boss established a new think tank in Washington, DC called the National Intellectual Property Law Institute.

While it is no longer a going concern, it was extremely active in the mid-to late 1990s and early 2000s, producing scholarship and educational content on the role of intellectual property and confidential information in a free-market economy.

Globalization was in a hyper-growth mode in the IP space and there were some natural tension points between international trading partners, in particular China and the United States, given our very different understandings of property and its ownership and control.

Because intellectual property is recognized as just that - property (and private property at that) - under American law (and most other western nations), it plays a significant role in trading relationships.

As you may know, ownership of private property is a keystone of free-markets; it is an anathema in communistic economies which depend on the wholesale annulment of it. According to Karl Marx, the mind behind Marxism, private property ownership is the primary driver of oppressive class structures in societies and should therefore be eradicated. Communism is the natural outgrowth of Marxism and Marxist ideology.

My boss was an expert in all things intellectual property, including intellectual property law and the role of IP in domestic and international commerce. As his Executive Assistant, I went everywhere he went (in the U.S. and around the world). I took notes in every meeting - impromptu or planned - and met all of the players.

My job was to be his memory, so he could be fully present in real time at all times. I wrote everything down - and I mean everything - and prepared trip reports to memorialize the events, of which there were many - both events and reports. My Steno pads became the diary of his life, and, over time, mine.

Naturally, I grew very close to him, and he to me.

We were in some interesting places together, including several parts of China, Turkey, Malaysia, Mexico, Kenya, and South Africa, and it was my job to look out for him. I knew what clothes he needed to wear, what presentation he needed to give, and who he needed to acknowledge and get to know before and after his speeches.

I looked after him well, and, in return, he looked after me.

It was a thrilling season of my life.

But it wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns …

When one spends this much time with another, especially a boss and assistant, the business and personal relationships grow and the level of trust increases. That doesn’t always sit well with others in the organization who don’t work in such close proximity to the “seat of power,” but wish they did.

And the discomfort often introduces an element of behavioral unpredictability and volatility into the workplace - for everyone.

And, that, in turn, often projects onto the principal/subordinate relationship in unsavory and destabilizing ways.

Here are some of the reasons why things became unpredictable and volatile in my relationship with my boss and the other staff.

• Jealously

  • I had my boss’ ear. I was his gatekeeper, his “in case of emergency person,” and exercised significant authority over others’ access to him. I was a young 20-something when I began my tenure in his office so it made a lot of people mad - including a few of his own children - that someone who hadn’t “earned her stripes” sat so close to him.

  • Why on Earth would he choose a “little girl” who’d not done anything significant for this role?

  • Why did he choose someone who hadn’t been to law school to sit that close to him as he did his “law” work?

  • And who was I to be a barrier between the other staff members and their boss, or between his kids and their dad?

  • There was no DM’ing or texting back then, and I answered the telephones, so I was literally and figuratively “in the way.” It was a lot of pressure.

  • But, if he told me he didn’t want to be disturbed, it was my job to honor that - period. And, I did. Quite well.

• Clashing Personalities

  • My boss was a brilliant man and he knew it. I admired his confidence, but he seemed to cross the line at times into narcissism. I didn’t really understand that term back then, but it is clear that I am allergic to narcissism, as we all should be!

  • Here’s an example: If he was supposed to do something, but failed to follow through, he made no apologies for his oversight. Instead, he allowed those around him to feel guilty for not anticipating his failure and having a back up plan. This was really unbecoming and frustrating. And, given my personal history at the time, the “never say you’re sorry” was really toxic to me. That is, Toxic with a capital T.

• Different Visions for My Future

  • I was really getting into the law from an academic and policy perspective (I had zero knowledge when I started) and was learning and absorbing by osmosis. But I had zero interest in being a lawyer. And I certainly didn’t want to pursue a law degree.

  • Had I stayed on a more productive course in college (as opposed to dropping out and getting married), I would have pursued an Art History degree (17th Century Dutch Art) and been a museum curator. The law was not on my mind then and it wasn’t at that time either. To be specific, practicing law was not on my mind. Teaching, however, sounded much more interesting.

  • He was pushing, I was resisting. He was winning and I was losing.

• Control

  • Over time, it became clear that I had been fully absorbed into him, his work, and his life. I was an appendage and my sole purpose was to serve him. that was a natural consequence of my choice to be there 24/7. I was his “work wife” … there is nothing unusual about this.

  • But, as I got older, I was ready to start re-establishing my independence, to start dating after divorce, and was considering my next steps - professionally and personally. After all, my entire skill set consisted of taking care of one man and his very peculiar needs and wants and that didn’t feel like a solid long-term plan for professional development.

  • When I stopped being available “on demand” at all hours of the day, 7 days a week, things started to get tricky. He increased the pressure on me to be “on call”, and I started to act out and resist.

  • Given all of the above (jealously, personality differences, and conflicting visions), we had some moments. People referred to us as “an old married couple.”

—

I traveled extensively with my boss, in the United States and around the world, often in close quarters (economy seats don’t have much wiggle room)! I didn’t think anything was weird or off.

He was old enough to be my dad and would be avuncular from time to time, but it was actually comforting given my recent personal bungles. Being the first person in your family to get a divorce, and at 22 to boot, wasn’t exactly a badge of honor. I was really self-conscious about it. So, having a meaningful and interesting job working with a genius was like wrapping up in a warm blanket, hot cup of coffee in hand.

Girl Power!

Don’t forget that I was just beginning to emerge from my Marxist Feminist worldview (I’ll give this term its proper due in another post) and was still operating under the assumption that the best way for women to exert their power over men - and other women - was through sex and all manner of behavior surrounding it. They would say it’s seizing the means of sex-culture material production so they can achieve gender equity - I just call it what it is - sex.

This wasn’t whoredom, this was a mandate.

Anything less was submission to the patriarchy (hegemonic masculinity and systemic sexism), and we certainly couldn’t have that, right? That this is still a prominent message to young girls today is terrifying …

Simply put, sex is the oldest power-play in the book. It’s still en vogue, because it works.

This also means that women are taught to interpret everything through the lens of sexual power.

—

Have you ever wondered …

Why do women betray other women by sleeping with their husbands?

Why do women disregard duty, loyalty, and commitment in favor of the fleeting intoxication of sexual dominance (that might or might not last all of 5 minutes)?

Why do women use other men to make their men jealous?

Because they can. And they’re celebrated for it.

—

Only a few will admit it, but many women “train” to be top sexual performers.

They learn from sexual mentors/coaches, then practice with “friends w/ benefits” or at times “strangers w/ benefits.” After the “workout,” they discard them for the next beta boy.

The more masterful they become as agents of the sex culture, the more powerful they become as warriors against misogyny.

The proverbial “locker room” chat is, in a word, disgusting.

But, hey, it’s all in the name of #GirlPower!

Back to #MeToo …

I tell the story of my tenure as the Executive Assistant to a man who worked around the clock and with whom I traveled extensively because it provides an important backdrop for a wider discussion of a relatively new type of illegal sex discrimination - sexual harassment in the workplace.

I say “relatively new” because sexism, which is as old as dirt, didn’t rise to the level of a legally actionable claim until my lifetime.

It is difficult to draw a distinction between that is unsavory and behavior that is illegal, but not criminal, when it comes to human relationships between the sexes, unless, of course, you adopt false view of sex, gender, and humanity writ large.

Before I continue, let me be clear. I had two choices in my job:

(1) I could work 9 - 5, do my work, go home, and come back the next day.

-or-

(2) I could work very long hours, make myself indispensable, and gain enormous access into an exciting discussion about law, economics, and trade, even though I had nothing to contribute beyond my notetaking skills.

No one put a gun to my head forcing me to choose the latter - I made that choice on my own. There was no doubt in my mind that there would be tradeoffs. That is the case with everything in life.

My job was to fit into his life, not the other way around.

If I wanted to be the star of the show, then I would have to:

(1) work my way to the top of something, or

(2) start my own institute.

And, neither of those happens in a 9-5. So, I chose Option 2.

I had a lot to learn and was grateful for an exciting job, whatever the cost to me personally.

I was in DC in the mid-1990s, Clinton was President, and Monica Lewinsky was hanging out at the White House (she and I are the same age, by the way). All manner of folk were in and out of the city, and our office.

Among them were a handful of “dirty old men,” but, they didn’t cause any harm - they just grossed me out for a hot minute.

Here’s an interesting story:

One of the members of the Board of Directors who had recently donated $1,000,000 to the Institute, asked me to arrange for an escort service while he was in town. I didn’t even know what that was, but I declined after I found out. My boss had my back, but he didn’t say anything to the Board member. I think he did it himself.

I wasn’t offended, I was just horrified.

I brushed it off and moved on. No harm, no foul.

The Lady Next Door

In early 1996, a former major telecommunications company had its worldwide HQ next door to our building in downtown DC. My boss knew their Assistant General Counsel (AGC) - she was in charge of intellectual property for the company - and it just so happened that the company was rolling out a new house mark (company logo) worldwide in the spring of 1996.

In addition to running a non-profit institute, my boss opened a boutique law firm (boutique meaning practicing in one area of the law only) handling intellectual property matters: trademarks, copyrights, patents, and trade secrets. The law firm was the bread and butter for the non-profit.

To the chagrin of many DC law firms, the AGC gave the work to my boss’ tiny boutique firm, which meant that I, overnight, became a legal assistant as well.

There was much talk about town regarding the decision to place the lucrative work with a solo firm, and especially one founded by a notoriously absent-minded professor w/ a kid for an assistant.

But ….

The AGC had a wicked crush on my boss (there were dinner and theater tickets galore), all in the name of “professional development.” I later learned that my boss had separated from his wife 30 days before I came to town and was living in hotel rooms and/or in the office.

He had plenty of time to use those tickets …. and he did.

As the personal relationship grew between my boss and the AGC, it seemed that I was getting in her way. She kicked me out of her business meetings with my boss, even though I’d been tasked to take notes. I didn’t want to lose my job, so I laid outside the conference room on the floor, with my ear to the door, and took notes anyway. I ignored the sloppy talk though … only substance made it onto the Steno!

Mind you, I’m 22 and trying to get on my feet after a series of stupid decisions (becoming a Marxist Feminist, dropping out of school, getting married, getting divorced … ) and the last thing I want to do is get fired.

The AGC also insisted on having unfettered access to my boss’ office, day and night, but that would prove more challenging for her than showing me the door on meetings.

Given how coveted my position was (even though I didn’t really know it), I made sure to guard my territory. I was always the first in the office and the last to leave. I made the coffee and I turned out the lights.

This meant that I was ALWAYS there … and the AGC was annoyed. Ha …

But, I didn’t work for her, I worked for him.

Regardless, the cat fight, one I didn’t pick, was on ….

Within weeks of my arrival in DC, I found myself vying for “1st place” in my boss’ business life due to another woman’s interest in pursuing an extramarital affair with him. She wanted me out of the way, he wanted me in the way. I didn’t want to move back home with my parents, so I kept working and focused on chopping the wood in front of me, irritations aside (props to my friend, Steve, for that turn of phrase)!

My boss was wicked smart and an engaging conversationalist. He was also very charming, perhaps to a fault.

True story — when my mom met him, she thought he was a bit over-the-top with the unsolicited compliments and extra side hugs. That’s just how he was though, so I got used to it.

Turns out, the AGC, she wasn’t particularly special.

He knew how to turn it on and off like a faucet and most women were too naive to know that they weren’t being singled out … he said the same stuff to everyone … and it always made people feel good.

Who doesn’t want to be told they look like a million bucks? Especially when they don’t ….

The Power Struggle

No sooner did I start working than I was being kicked to the curb by another woman. And not just any woman, but a woman who delivered a large business account on a silver platter in exchange for …. ?

Now, what my boss did, or didn’t do, was none of my business, but he didn’t do anything to tame her aggression towards me.

That was NOT helpful!

But, was it harmful?

Of course it was.

But was it illegal?

This went on for months … then came the next one, and the next one … I’d become a bulldog protector and no-one, I mean no-one, got through to him on my watch without his express consent.

These women weren’t interested in him per se, they were interested in his rolodex and his access to the power-players who were negotiating legislation and public policy on economic espionage, cryptography, and all manner of interesting and intense topics. It was no different that his other staff members.

And I was in the way.

The irony in all of this is that I was protecting my turf more than I was protecting him. The line of women who wanted my job never dwindled.

As you can imagine, he came to depend heavily on me and I ultimately became the object of much undeserved anger and gossip asking questions like ….

What is she doing to him that makes him keep her instead of me?

As if sexual favors are what makes a confidential assistant good at her job? Is it conceivable that I worked my tail off to be the fastest, most efficient, and most effective assistant for him?

Who’s the sexist now?

All of this dynamic made it hard to make friends.

So, he wasn’t just my boss, he was my friend.

Back to #MeToo (again) …

When all the stories of sexual harassment in the workplace dominated the airwaves in 2018, I was quite skeptical. I worked in DC for 14 years and had - as noted above - seen many backrooms during my time there.

But most of the time, it was the women making themselves “open for business” that created the sexual undertones in an environment. Of course, some of the old men - the geezers - would make stupid comments that were neither invited nor appropriate in professional circles, but they were just that - old men. Remember they weren’t used to having women around the office, save the secretary’s desk, so they didn’t know how to behave. They were crude, but they were harmless. Smart women knew how to use that to their advantage!

To be clear, women throw themselves at “powerful” men all the time.

They show up to office parties in dresses that are a couple of sizes too small (as my mom would say … they were “just raunchy”), they drink too much, and they make fools of themselves while trying to do whatever they’re trying to do.

I guess you can’t call it raunchy if it’s Lizzo though … but, hey, I don’t make the rules …. (go back and read post #13 for the Lizzo reference). She’s an icon for body acceptance.

FWIW - I’m not even wearing dresses that fit. I’m still wearing Hessian gunny sacks to accommodate my COVID-wine babies: Sauvignon and Blanc. Yep - gotta work off the wine weight! LOL ….

In all seriousness, I’m not sure of the purpose of “workout wear” (aka spandex that covers hardly anything) with high heels if it isn’t to draw attention to one’s physical appearance.

Please correct me if I’m wrong.

I am woman and I do know fashion. When women dress for an occasion, they are quite aware of the impression they seek to make:

• professional

• classy

• whimsical

• casual

• unassuming

• keep far away or I’ll kill you, or

• I’m available later tonight.

And, unless someone is blind and has no capacity to feel tight clothes, make no mistake, women know exactly what they’re doing.

There’s no shame in wanting to slay at work or at work events … we just shouldn’t be surprised when people respond both naturally and logically to our efforts to slay.

But this is where it gets weird.

When a man whom these women do not like responds to what is perceived as an open invitation for a more casual approach than a biz card exchange and handshake, they become offended and call HR to lodge an harassment complaint.

But when the same response comes from someone they do like, the response is .. “Here’s my number, call me maybe …”

Note - When women dressed in provocative ways complain about men coming on to them and she is assessed with some responsibility for “inviting it,” that’s called victim blaming and is part of rape culture, which, of course, is part of the #MeToo movement.

What Does All of This Mean Anyway?

If any unwanted sexual or sexualized behavior (whatever that is) happens in the workplace, whether male to female, female to male, female to female, or male to male, there is a good chance it is now against the law, but I’m not always sure why or how.

Was I living in the middle of tort town all of those years? Or possibly even a crime scene?

We’ll dive into all of this, and much more, in Part 2 of Really? #MeToo.

To whet your appetite, here’s a link to an article that includes images of the famous 1976 Redbook survey asking women how they handle “sex on the job” aka sexual harassment (the term was coined in 1975).

As a closing note to Part 1, I want to be clear that two things are never okay:

1 - Demanding a sex act from a co-worker, boss or subordinate, on pain of punishment; or

2 - Any form of criminal sexual assault.

But the evolution of sexual harassment as a cause of action for which there is legal redress, as well as the #MeToo movement, are not limited to either of these two issues.

They cast the next much much wider (#BelieveAllWomen), and I am exploring that.

Off to keep writing … will send out Part 2 as soon as I’m done. Not quite on a writing schedule, but I’m working towards it. There’s so much to say, and so little time to say it.

Meanwhile, feel free to drop thoughts/questions in the comments. This is an unnecessarily complicated topic.

xo,

Kelley

July 8, 2023